The Smackbottomist – By @poppy_scarlett
By Poppy Cumming-Spain
Yesterday, I met a professional spanker. His name is Mr Green, but he’s also known as a ‘Spank Daddy’, although he prefers the term ‘Smackbottomist’. Just to be clear, this was a chance meeting. We hadn’t booked a spanking session. Meg and I were working in a Shoreditch pub garden when she spotted a grey-haired gentleman with a clear, plastic bag in his hand. She giggled, nudged me and pointed towards it. Inside, were paddles with ‘bottom spanker’ written on them’. Naturally, we found this hilarious and, in true millennial fashion, whipped out our phones to share this comical moment with the world.
Mr Green spotted us in the reflection of the door window into the bar and approached our table, explaining that he was a professional paddle maker. He seemed eager to share his story as he asked to take a seat at our table, and we were more than happy to oblige; our instinct telling us this was a mega dot to collect.
I recorded almost all of our conversation with him, which lasted around two hours, and have transcribed two snippets of our conversation here:
Meg: I’ve actually just had a request from my mate to make a logo for his dad’s sex swing company.
Poppy: Trying to think of logos for that.
Poppy: Do you make paddles for other things, or is just… spanking?
Mr Green: Just spanking, yes.
Mr Green: That would probably make quite a good, uhm, as you swing, couple of spanks, back, couple more spanks, yeah.
Meg: Partnership opportunity!
Poppy: Opportunity is now here [smirk at Meg].
Mr Green: If you swing them, obviously the faster. If we were going to, I’m not uhm, very democratic, so… uhm, I’m a spanker rather than a spankee.
Poppy: Hang on, so is this like a thing? There are spankers and spankees?
Mr Green: Yeah.
Poppy: I guess it’s the same principle as gay sex, where there’s usually a giver and a taker, isn’t it?
Mr Green: In the spanking word there’s a word for people who give and take.
Meg: Is it greedy?
Poppy: There’s a spanking.. I, I can’t believe this is a whole world. This is a community. How big is it?
Mr Green: What would you say a community is? People with a shared interest?
Meg: Yeah, who meet up and stuff.
Poppy: I mean, how big are your sales? How many paddles do you make?
Meg: Are you the biggest paddle maker? The biggest paddle seller?
Mr Green: Probably not.
Poppy: No? Are there quite a few paddle makers?
Mr Green: Well yes, in America. Because in America, they use them in schools still.
Meg: This is so interesting.
Mr Green: In about 25 states, they still use paddling.
Poppy: But not in… obviously we don’t do that over here.
Meg: I didn’t know they still did that.
Poppy: This is obviously more of a pleasure kind of paddle?
Mr Green: Ok, ok, lots of questions.
Poppy: Sorry, I’m just so intrigued.
Mr Green: So, there are lots of different kinds of spanking, you have erotic spanking… this brings me back to what I was saying about the swing, because you could take it in turns. And then when you miss, as you get faster, then the other partner gets another hit.
Poppy: It’s like that game where you slap hands isn’t it?
Mr Green: Then they take over. Yeah, yeah. So, you’ve got erotic.. then you’ve got playful.
Poppy: Isn’t that the same as erotic? Isn’t that what leads into erotic?
Mr Green: No, no, I’d say some people use it pre-sex, but others use it for a bit of playful dominance. You know, like domitrons
Meg: Yeah, so it’s like the guys that get turned on by compression and stuff. They get people to like… there was documentary about a guy who liked to get people to roll him up in a rug and stand on him. And it wasn’t like a sex thing, he just kinda liked the sensation.
Mr Green: Yeah, some people have executed people in that way. They’d suffocate them.
Poppy: Oh my god, that was like one of those things on ‘1000 ways to die’, they’d include different torture methods.
Meg: Go and put weights on them? Yeah… that was in the Guy Fawkes documentary. Not documentary, drama series. They had a board on a woman and put weights on her.
[Meg and Mr Green discuss drama series and I google spanking]
Poppy: Switch! That’s the name for someone who will be a spankee or spanker.
Mr Green: Yeah, switch. How did you find out?
Mr Green: What did you google?
Poppy: Uh, spanking basically. For some of the websites, I’d have to call o2 and prove I’m over 18 to look at them, so I won’t do that.
Poppy: Yeah, or someone who you have an ongoing spanking relationship with is called a play partner.
Mr Green: Yeah.
Mr Green: When it started… ehem. [Mr Green looks at Meg, who is on her phone]
Meg: [Awkward laughter] Sorry!
Mr Green: You’re in danger you see, you’re bottom of the class at the moment.
Poppy: I’m going to have to go to the toilet, I’m afraid I’ll be in trouble again, but I’ll have to go.
[Meg and Mr Green discuss going home time and tagines]
Meg: What was the last point you mentioned?
Poppy: F***, I can’t even remember. Have you guys like paused while I’ve been gone?!
Meg: No, we were talking about Moroccan stew. Hahaha.
Poppy: Haha, cute.
Meg: What was the last thing?
[Lots of uhming and ahhing from us all]
Poppy: Well, I don’t know if it was the last thing but I was talking about people being spurred on from a young age, watching things and having certain feelings.
Mr Green: Yes, what I was gonna say was that when fifty shades came out, that gave women…
Poppy: Sexual agency.
Mr Green: Yes. I give out my email to people, usually they get back to me within a month or they don’t bother. When fifty shades came out. Were you here in London when Harry Potter came out, when you couldn’t walk down the street or into a pub or the tube without someone reading it?
Meg: I always felt weird when someone was next to me reading it.
Poppy: I didn’t read it.
Meg: I felt like it was a bit cringey, a bit middle aged woman’s dream of…
Poppy: I’m an abnormal person when it comes to stuff like that, so it wasn’t my thing.
Meg: I read it, but I wasn’t that fussed.
Mr Green: I skimmed it but uhh….
Poppy: We’ve gone on a bit of a tangent.
Mr Green: Yes, well everyone was quite disappointed with the movie, because there wasn’t enough spanking.
Poppy: Oh really?
Meg: Well, you didn’t see anything apart from a bit of shaft either.
Poppy: I kinda like the film, not gonna lie.
Meg: Oh, did you watch the film?
Poppy: I did.
Mr Green: Well, my point is that I didn’t know it had come out, but suddenly I was getting emails from people and phone calls. I’d get a mixture of people saying we’d met two or three years ago, five years ago. Are you still doing, you know, what you were doing? In one case it was seven years. You know, and I wondered why all of these women were coming out of the woodwork, after my wood work…
Poppy: So Fifty Shades brought that out in them?
Mr Green: Yeah.
Meg: Fifty Shades brought out a lot.
Mr Green: It gave me a big boost, in my business.
Poppy: Well, it’s awareness really isn’t it. Because, we didn’t know that this was even a thing.
Meg: It did launch it into the public eye, didn’t it?
Poppy: Some people don’t know that things are done or can be done, or that they’re more normalised. And they don’t know, but they they go right well I’ve always wanted to do that and then it, you know, happens.
Mr Green: Yeah so, when I’d given my girlfriend her first spanking. I’m now a spanker, before that I’d been a wannabe. Now, I’m actually a spanker. And at the same time, out came, it was all over the news, Colonel Spanker became known.
Mr Green: It was a big trial, because he was sueing. He was a colonel, he was a lawyer, and he’d spanked all of the women in his offices. So, now he’d… but they were all sort of into spanking. And they would get him… he had a little motorboat down in Shepperton and he’d, uhm, all the women in his office they’d get him, procure young ladies. And one of them was a nineteen-year-old who’d have to get toffed up in white shorts and a sailors outfit and he’d sail her up to wherever it was in Shepperton, including a good spanking.
The news of the world got hold of it and called him a bit of a pervert. And he sued them. The crowd to get inside the Lord Central was massive…
He was the first real ‘Spank Daddy’. That was ‘74 and now that’s brought spanking into the public consciousness.
Mr Green was an intriguing character. As our conversation progressed, I probed him more about his character and how his personal desires had led him into a spanking career which had spanned thirty years (he’d actually given his first personal spanking aged eighteen which would stretch this to forty-three years). It was obvious that he enjoyed exercising control over others, likely influenced in some way by his other lifetime career in the army. If he felt he didn’t have our full attention at any point in our conversation, his tone would switch, and he’d taken on a teacher-like persona. Both myself, and Meg’s reaction to these occasions was alarming. We’d promptly slip into ‘naughty schoolgirl’ roles, apologising and doing exactly as asked; out of character for the both of us, I’d say. We did not, however, accept his offers to give us a public spanking in the pub garden on at least two occasions, or when we bumped into him again on the street as he was on his way to visit a client.
I’m still not sure what to take from this meeting; it’s a dot I’ll certainly have to ponder over for a while. At the very least, I’ve come to appreciate the word ‘spanking’ as a part of the English language.
A part of me wants to reach out to Mr Green and delve further into his world, but I also have reservations. When we’d made our excuses to leave, Meg and I briefly discussed the sinister side of the conversation. Mr Green had been pleasant enough, but we’d both felt uneasy when the other left the table to go to the bar or the loo. The ease with which he manipulated us into giving him our full attention likely contributed to this. When we were left alone with him, albeit in a busy beer garden, our instincts told us to be wary. Neither of us could imagine inviting him to our home where we’d be truly alone, as the lady who he was on his way to visit had.
If anyone would like to listen to the full conversation (as these snippets don’t do the conversation any justice), I’d be more than happy to share this with you. It was certainly an eye-opener when it comes to desire, boundaries, drawing lines and the human condition in general. Fascinating.