Tidings of Uncomfortable Joy – By @Benedicttatham
By Benedict Tatham
Tidings of Uncomfortable Joy.
I am a confused little boy in a confused world and If I am honest I have struggled to enjoy these Christmas holidays a little…or have I enjoyed them too much £$*(*^$£)(*()_(*???
Despite living in the lap of first-world luxuries, being surrounded by loving people, eating lots of delicious home-made food and indulging in all tidings of comfort and joy, I haven’t really been able to relax in the way that I intended.
Don’t get me wrong, on the physical side I’ve been hitting the relax button hard. But, on the inside I’m finding it less easy.
I think it’s to do with coming out of quite an intense term at SCA.
We’ve had so much to take on board and I think my head has found it hard to adjust from the daily assessment of who we are and what we want (both a blessing and a curse I think sometimes) to spending overtime cuddling my dog.
It’s like SCA is just lingering in the back of my mind at all times saying, “You could be doing this” and every time you don’t respond to the voice you feel slightly disappointed in yourself. Anyone? Just me? ok.
Anyway it appears to me that the, “You could be doing this” voice, is just a reminder of my fear of failing and my natural instinct to want to do something about it which I guess is good thing (thanks Rhiannon for touching upon this in your last SCAB, those stories made me giggle).
It’s also a result of ones natural anticipation of the coming year ahead. I feel a great need to make the most of it, to not cut corners with my learning and get the best out of SCA.
Unfortunately this burning desire to do well, coupled with an uncertainty in my ability to do just that,
makes everything that is pretty and jolly around me seem quite trivial and undeserved, ‘tidings of uncomfortable joy.’
Undeserved…..yes that’s how I feel. All of these lovely things given to me and for what?? I don’t deserve anything but a sharpie and blank piece of paper. I want to earn my stripes.
Writing this SCAB has once again surprised me, it feels good to get your thoughts out sometimes.
I realise I’m used to letting off steam whilst walking back to Camberwell from school with Nadia which I miss very much.
We both always seem to have so much ‘mind steaming’ to do, especially after a long day of failing to wet-the-cheese*****at SCA. So this one goes out to you Nadia…reeespect.
We should rename it ‘Camb-oh-well’….since every time we arrive in Camberwell our ‘mind steam’ session invariably ends with, ‘oh well, see you tomorrow.’
Oooohh I feel a sudden surge of inspiration coming my way….hmmm bring me the sharpie Obi-Wan, the force beckons me!
*****’wet the cheese’ or ‘wetting the cheese’ – Definition and meaning unknown yet recognised as entirely appropriate in the right context.
Note to self: I will attempt to define ‘wetting the cheese’ for my next SCAB.