We just had our first bollocking. – By KRAK intake

By KRAK intake 2019/20

We just had our first bollocking. Marc wanted to throw a chair at us. How would you defend yourself from a chair wielding Marc?


Eva: Hit him with the chair first (I have amazing reflexes) 

and then make him apologise for it.


Marley: A lawsuit. 


Jay: With more chairs. Duh.


Oliver: I threaten Squirrels life


Alfie: I would gut squirrel like a pig. And use her intestines to choke Marc into submission if he did not relent in his attempts.


Elisa: strategically sit in the front row and watch the chair fly past. 


Phillip: First, I’ll get wrist control. Then I’ll pull out my gun.   (


Ellie: Sit far away from Alfie, who’s obviously the target. on tenter hooks wondering how this will end 


Alice: Take it in the face, that’s my kink. 


Katie: Study him closely so I know when he’s about to flip then excuse myself and go to the toilet.


Ivan: I’m great at limbo, so I’d pull a Matrix move bending backward and the chair would pass me within inches of my body. 


Munraj: Hit me harder, daddy. 


David: I would hide behind the person next to me.


Carly: Use Alfie as a human shield.


Pierre: Le coup de savate, eh oui mon pote. 


Tommy: A swift parry and powerful lunge.


Chloë: Show him the personas I’ve written so he aims at someone else. Then steal his Whiplash DVD so he can’t take any more inspiration from J. K. Simmons’ character.


Charlie: A national cheerleading champion can easily dodge a chair.


Rolly: Hide behind tall people. 


Bastien : If I sit quietly, without making any movement, he might don’t see me. 


Sean: Not worry. Such low quality furniture will come off worse, no?


Dean: By putting my head infront of it. 


Holly: Stare at him while tears well in my eyes, hopefully his paternal instincts will kick in and he’ll back down. Failing that I’d hold up a mirror, no one wants to see themselves as the bad guy. 


Gigi: I’ve been looking for scrap ever since he brought in that skateboard. I’m ready for a fight Mr Lewis try me. 


Aaron: Use Zelda as a puppy shield


Lawrence: Throw one back


Isabelle: Sit up the top. Avoid the drama.


Leanne: Duck, roll, surdy kick to the balls and a mental note of all the eye-witnesses when it turns to a court case.  


Elle: Throw Alex at him


Alex: Throw myself at him


Scarlet: Use Gigi. She would protect me and her coat would protect her.


Rachael: Make him feel sorry for me with my tear so that he never does it 


DJ: I saw it coming and ordered deliveroo from pop brixton 20 minutes ago. It arrives, he puts the chair down and leaves. 


Nothing interrupts lunch.

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