You’re Our (Brand) Valentine!

For this group SCAB we asked ourselves which brands we’d love to seduce on a date and why (before hopefully having a cheeky snog on the way home).

Gareth: Innocent

I love the cheeky, irreverent tone of Innocent since they ditched their ‘we’re perfect in every way’ style of the old days. I reckon we’d have a great laugh on a date – which is key to having a good time.

Perfect date: I’d take them to a petting zoo followed by going for an Indian.

Roxi: Joe Browns

I’m not into fashion…that being said this is the only clothing brand that speaks to my love for all things bright, colourful and swirly/whimsical in design. We’d perfectly match with our crazy attitudes, life would be so dull without them!

Perfect date: Strolling down a beach at sunset, then as I start to get cold they wrap their arms around me for warmth.

Mike: Vans 

A.K.A. the Levi’s of shoes. Five classic styles that are fresh as f**k and go with everything. The shoes are rich in history and still encapsulate the laidback, counter-culture vibes of the subculture that they were synonymous with for so long.  

Perfect date: Some tasty waves and a cool buzz.

Alek: Red Bull

Any date should be an adventure.
Fun fact, I once asked someone to go to Barcelona with me on a first date. They said no.
Perfect date: Going to Barcelona.

Nancy: Tate

I feel like Tate would be a cool, gender neutral, dude. Good vibes always and lots of knowledge about the greats; Keith Haring, Andy Warhol, David Hockney.

Perfect date: Cheeky trip round the galleries, maybe stop by the Royal Academy, maybe one of Jakes legendary pizzas (which I am still yet to try) and then back home for a chill one 😉

Freddie: LoveHoney

Sensual, seductive and oh-so-naughty. Not afraid to ask for what they want. With playful language and the promise of passion they’ll be getting anything they ask for from me. 

Perfect date: Wine me, dine me, take me to your HQ and show me a good time.

Jane: Evian 

No complications, no fuss, just complete transparency. 

I know we’d have a great flowing convo and let’s face it, the glass would always remain half-full.

Perfect date: Maybe a cheeky ski on the French Alps. I’d love to see if Mr Evian lived up to his famous pics.  

Flo: Ben and Jerry’s 

After a successful morning of pissing off Steve Harrison by being a successful, purpose driven brand, Ben, Jerry and I would tackle some systemic injustices, help draft new legislation, and bring back Cherry Garcia.

Perfect date: Superbowl half time show

Samson: Netflix

What a great way to just never run out of conversation on a date, I’m sure that we’ll always have something to say, finding new topics to discuss and even maybe I’ll be able to find out some upcoming spoilers.

Perfect date: Disney + and chill to change things a bit.

Beck: Pepsi

Definitely not long term material, a bit of a sweet fling wouldn’t be too bad. And anyway, who doesn’t love a bad boy underdog trying to disrupt some cocky prick.

Perfect date: A dinner date in the dark. Let the taste do the talking.

Tad: Vivienne Westwood.

Glamorous, classy, and very punk. That’s marriage material right there. My only worry is that they’d be way trendier than me, but there’s nothing wrong with that. 

Dream date: quick whip around a gallery followed by drinks somewhere offensively fashionable. 

Lux: Apple

I want to be a trophy husband. Do you know how much money Apple has in the bank in cash? 192.8 BILLION with a B, not even counting other assets! You want to know how much money that is? That’s I can buy a small country and be the supreme ruler, that’s how much money that is. It’s, I can build the Fortress of Solitude before the North Pole completely melts money. It’s, Jeff Bezos’ wife wishes money. 

If I can get Apple to be my sugar daddy, not only will I probably be one of the first people to upload my consciousness to iCloud, I could bankroll any endeavour I wish to do. “Here is a 100 million for your student movie baby, go have fun”

Perfect date: Take me to the top of Apple Park let Siri serve us food designed by Jony Ive. 

John: Werther’s Originals

Sucking on a Werther’s evokes the purest of memories. The taste in my mouth of Grandad’s warm, sweet love, takes me back to wholesome, nostalgic days, when everything was simpler. 

Perfect date: A day plonked in front of the TV watching daytime tv dramas and quiz shows, complaining intermittently about a draft from various angles.

Vicky: Terry’s Chocolate Orange

Who would turn down the opportunity of having a cheeky nibble of this one on a date?! 

It’s the elite of the choccie section, it’s a little bit spontaneous which it shows through the erratic prices varying from a quid to a fiver and I’d love to find out about them section by section.

Perfect date: A walk around a spanish orange grove.

Edzai: Fiat 500

Daddy’s money will be paying for dinner, drinks and breakfast the next day. 

Perfect date: helicopter ride. 

Mercedes: Lynx

What a spicy manly smell….

Perfect date: Definitely some drinks in a reserved area, to avoid all women in the universe to jump on him

Luke: White Ace Cider

We start the date having a lazy stroll along the canal, I am looking out for scrap metal or any discarded copper wiring on canal adjacent building sites that have been left unsupervised. We ask passing strangers if they can give us a smoke, then call them the C word when they say they don’t have any to spare. As the night wears on we take to hanging out in the smokers area of a questionable pub, we combine the leftover dregs of discarded pints into our own glasses. Upon leaving the pub we narrowly avoid a mugging at knifepoint by running gayly through the narrow alleyways of North Tottenham. What a lark! What a plunge!

I wake up two days later in a haze, I have pissed myself and I’m missing a shoe.

Perfect Dinner: Liquid dinner for us, bottle of cider on a park bench next to a junkie or maybe even sitting in a dual carriageway underpass. Who needs candles when you have a solitary bic lighter for ambience.  

Gaby: Corona Extra

First and foremost to pay homage to my Mexican heritage. I then want to be taken back to my youth when I used to be able to down two big 710ml bottles and not throw up straight away. I crave that lingering smell of weed (yes Corona for some reason smells of weed trust me, have a sniff next time you’re drinking one) and end up in the LED room of Why Not Nightclub, on Georges Street, Edinburgh.

Perfect Date: Uni student halls pre drinks 

Florrie: Specifically Carluccio’s Melon sorbet (Which I have just discovered seems to of been discontinued)

It reminds me of happy times and just going to the restaurant to have a bowl of sorbet. I used to go at least once a month, and they began to remember me.
A perfect day would be with a tub of melon sorbet. I really hope they still make it.

Matt: Caramac

A very smooth blonde that’s really bad for me. 

Perfect Date: 70’s peep show theatre, back row, naughty thing. 

Alice: Prada

I want a date that won’t smile at me until approximately 27 minutes into dinner at the vegan Korean place they chose. That will make me wish I had slime green hair, or had at least put a bit more black eyeliner on. One that has definitely gotten into Berghain, but will cooly refuse to say anything more about the experience than ‘it wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be’. That will make feel the urge to rush home and scrub up on my Jean-Luc Godard references. 

Perfect Date: A trip to a very underground impromptu exhibition in which we stand quite close and stare wordlessly at the performance art. I’ll feel chuffed for weeks when offered a drag on their Marlboro gold at the end of the evening.

Joe: Literally anyone who will take me. I don’t feel like I’m in a position to be picky, and besides I want to sleep around. I guess there’s something to be gained from every fling. Dangerously promiscuous, I know.

Perfect date: whoever it is, I want to take them to a crowded bar, somewhere where we have to stand for 30 minutes to get served and we contemplate a couple of times heading elsewhere. People are elbowing to get in front of me, and I’m too timid to stand up for myself. I’m genuinely nostalgic for this.

Holly : Marmite

I’ve always fallen for divisive characters. 

Perfect date: We’d take a stand, stroll through town, and flaunt our love in front of the haters.