25 Canned Cannes Ideas from SCA 2017 – By @CiRCUStrongman

By Lee Allen


25 Canned Cannes Ideas from SCA 2017


A creative’s worst ideas can tell you a lot about the person. Here I present to you 25 of the most ill-conceived Cannes ideas from the Fat Penguin intake, enjoy…

1. The Umbilical Vape: How do we stop children smoking? The Umbilical Vape introduces young people to vaping before their brains are developed enough to consider smoking, tackling the problem in the womb.

2. VR Karate: Practicing karate when you live in a box room in East London can be a nightmare, but with Nintendo’s VR Karate, you can kick it from the comfort of your bedroom and leave your home a certified killer.

3. LOLphins by Under Armour: Dolphins in captivity are depressed: FACT. But humans can now understand dolphin laughter, so Under Armour will record dolphin pods in the wild, and relay the chatter that precedes laughter to sad captive dolphins. It’s time to put your dorsals in the air like you just don’t care.

4. PE Sex Dolls: If you suffer from premature ejaculation, why not handle your business with an ultra-real sex doll and learn to manage your time better?

5. Yoghurt That Cures Polio: There hasn’t been a case of polio caught in the UK since 1984, and Yeo Valley want to keep it that way. So they’re infusing greek yoghurt with the polio vaccine, because Yeo Valley want to save the world one scoop at a time.

6. Nike Bondage: Using Nike’s self-lacing technology, Nike Bondage removes a layer of difficulty in the bedroom for bondage beginners.

7. Hammerhead Goggles: According to Sasha, Hammerhead Sharks have the same vision as humans. So Specsavers will develop extra long spectacles for our brothers in the sea.

8. The Autistic Pen: Max has wasted no time following up his highly-lauded Pearson Pen with his new Autistic Pen, see Max for details.

9. iSis: An AI that recruits for ISIS, only not really! #AISnitchesCantGetStitches 10. Handy Scandi: The dildo that checks for cancer… popular idea this one.

11. VR Art Classes: When entrepreneur Max Lom-Bor discovered paint could ruin his clothes, he developed ‘VRt’, VR art classes which remove mess from the process of painting. Saving paint. Saving fabric. Saving lives.

12. Augmented Reality Swimming Goggles: Goggles that show arms flying across the screen to stop you drowning. It’s never too late to learn how to swim.

13. AraBic: The smart pen that translates English to Arabic as you write, using technology that’s less than three years old.

14. Driving Lessons: The Game: Why waste time racing imaginary cars in the arcade when you could be learning how to drive a real one?

15. Crip Advisor: A trip advisor plug-in that helps you view gang-friendly areas and displays live updates of gang-controlled territory, because wearing a red top to McDonalds is no reason to be killed.

16. Uber XXX: An escort service from Uber, with offerings such as Uber XL, Uber Sux and Uber Pool like you’ve never experienced it before.

17. Amazon Gash: to rival Uber XXX, Amazon have also entered the escort business with their Gash button offering.

18. Glowthing: Inspired by Volvo Life Paint, instead of covering your clothes in strange fluids, why not wear luminous clothing? Designed using technology less than three years old, Glowthing is set to revolutionise clothing and cycling.

19. 3D printed McDonald’s: Anything to avoid McDonald’s Brixton.

20. The Invisible Walking Stick: Conceived in the Markethouse on Friday night, the invisible walking stick uses groundbreaking advances in camouflage technology to give the appearance that it’s not even there. The stick will give fragile old folk the confidence to go on the prowl once more and strut their stuff.

21. Fleacafe: Having fleas can be a highly embarrassing situation for people above the age of 8, but what if the problem could be fixed with your morning fix? Fleacafe will be introduced on the Starbucks secret menu and will be injected with orally ingestible flea repellant – you’ll be flea-free by lunch, so scratch that trip to Boots.

22. Chair Jordan: Wheelchair basketball players have long lived in the shadows of their NBA counterparts. Why? Because Air Jordan trainers are really cool, whereas wheelchairs, not so much. So Air Jordan have developed Chair Jordans, the coolest wheelchairs ever created. Each chair is fitted with 90-inch rims and an AUX cable.

23. AirJordan: Aeroplanes for basketball teams, with adequate legroom and height to avoid discomfort and muscle strains.

24. Blindr: Gay dating without the photos.
25. Uber (actual) Pool: A swimming pool within an Uber, need I say anymore?

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