By Holly Thomas




I’m not sure what order this is going to come out in so sorry if it makes little sense. Just going to write about some of the things I’ve been thinking and feeling. So essentially the definition of a SCAB. Lol.

The past week has been mega stressful. There are so many things to do I have found it almost paralysing. I haven’t got a partner at the moment and it makes me feel a bit unhinged. Like I’m not tethered to anything and I could drift off and end up in space timelessly floating around. I am annoyed that no one ever told us how important our second partner was. I thought things moved around after half term. I didn’t realise you were supposed to stick with your second partner and create an entire portfolio with them. Would have been cool if someone told us.

This past week I have questioned why I am here. That is if I’m good enough to be here. Marc gave me a 4 for copy on my portfolio (the first score I’ve got because I shamefully missed the first hand in) and that makes me scared. I think some of the lines in there are great so if it’s only a 4 I’m not sure I have what it takes to get to a 10. Maybe it’s supposed to be motivating and spur me on but I find it demotivating and just a little sad really. I nearly cried when I saw my work in an actual, physical book (Adeline is a goddess). Found it overwhelmingly emotional to have something I could get my hands on, after so long of grappling around in the darkness. I look at that portfolio as a statement of strength. To have managed to get anything in at all. Which is why I am choosing to ignore scores completely from now on. Not in some big headed ‘I don’t need no scores cos I am phe-nom-e-nal’ way. Just in a self preservation way. Thinking about it almost mutes my mind, I can’t write and that is a form of torture.

I feel so jealous of teams like Nick & Steve and Meg & Poppy. Because they’ve found each other. They’re doing so well at the moment. Obviously part of that is because they’re super super talented, but another part of it is that they’ve found their stride in each other – they have a natural rhythm that propels them both forward. It’s really hard to make great work when you’re working with someone new every week.

I want to be able to do more on Adobe. It terrifies me being so reliant on another human being. I’m not sure I’ve ever had that before. In any aspect of my life.

I hope this doesn’t sound too sad or mad. I’m going to go and have a cup of tea. Bye for now.

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