A gentle and lingering “fuuuuuuccckk” reverberates around my head each morning as I wake up and think about the prospect of what I have to do before term starts. I have allowed it to become a block of abject terror, a shapeless and meaningless obelisk that I reinforce everyday with my inaction.
On a rational level I know that I don’t have that much to be scared of. I can probably make a three minute video in the next month and a half. I can probably read at least three books and listen to some podcasts. If I do a little bit, every day, it will go away.
I also know that my anxiety isn’t in anyway unique; HUSH’s SCABs have made that very clear. But knowing that other people feel the same way has never given me much comfort.
It wasn’t until I was sat in the pit with the other applicants on my interview day that I felt some relief about my presentation. Here were real, physical people also terrified about the next three minutes. The thought of 40 odd other people currently sat at home slightly nervous about the next year doesn’t bring me much comfort.
With that in mind and with the hope that they provide some comfort to somebody, somewhere, here are just some of the ludicrous questions, doubts and niggling fears that have started to lurk and fester in my mind.
What on earth am I going to do? Is that one idea I have creative enough? What is it supposed to actually show? I’ve got to show who I am again? What 23 year old has any idea who they are? Surely anyone who says they know who they are is kidding themselves?
Everyone else’s is going to be more interesting, right? Do I just use my phone camera? How do I edit a video? Does it need music? Oh god, what if people think my voice sounds weird?
What about a silent film? Maybe that’s a bit naff? Could I do it well? Why did that psychometric test say I wasn’t a perfectionist? Does that mean I can’t do things perfectly?
Why do I think I can do this course? Is Love Island on tonight, that counts as research surely?
If I already have a bad memory, how am I supposed to remember the memory tricks from the book on memory? Are we going to be quizzed on this? Can a book from the 1980’s be that helpful? Pringles are that old? Why do people like Pringles so much? Why did that Freakonomics podcast say names aren’t in important? Who can I trust? Where’s the data?
How do I remember all the stuff in here when I’ve got a day to produce a brief? Why have I convinced myself that reading is a chore? Why do I feel like I should be doing young people things? Why am I ashamed by my love of crosswords and tea and books? Why can’t I just be comfortable with being comfortable? Ooh could I do a video of me sat in an armchair, drinking tea for 3 minutes? Is that a passion of mine? Why did I get this tea tattoo? Am I going to regret it? What kind of name is Chip Heath? Is Chip short for something? Potato Heath?
Should I start a podcast?