GUESS MY LIE! – By @dj_sbex
By Sophie Becker
GUESS MY LIE!
Marc always kicks off selection day by playing two truths and a lie. It’s coming up to a year anniversary after my selection day, so I’ve been reminiscing about the trivial details that seemed so important at the time. I never got to reveal the lie, so I’m going to leave it up to you to guess.
- I was suspended for starting a cult
It was sixth form. I was redoing the year under the condition that I was a model student (I was maybe sometimes slightly unfocused at school prior to this). I’d made it maybe 3 months without drawing attention to myself but I was getting bored. We had a sixth form loft for us all to hang out in during free periods. There was one big disabled toilet up there, and one day I noticed a trap door in the ceiling. I recruited some of my poor unsuspecting friends to help me pile up chairs on tables to the reach the door. We crawled through and discovered there was a whole other loft above the loft (i.e. …. the inside of the roof of a very old building and most likely ample asbestos). I decided I must immediately form the “LATL Society” (Loft Above The Loft) and colonise the space. I recruited some more unsuspecting members and made a Facebook group – the backbone of any successful cult. Naturally I was the Supreme Leader meaning I scheduled bi-weekly meetings in our secret space and introduced strange tasks in order for members to move up the hierarchy levels. One week I decided that a seance was a must. So up we went, equipped with an ouija board and twenty tea lights. How could anything go wrong?
We lit the candles and begun the ceremony, our fingers lightly hovering over the pointer. We asked our first question and terrifyingly enough, it began to move towards a letter. At that moment there was an almighty crack and the whole floor (or ceiling?) started to give way. We all shot up (as much as we could – there wasn’t a lot of space in the LATL) and beelined for the trapdoor. This made it collapse even more and a girl’s foot went through the plaster floor/ceiling, dangling above all the oblivious students in the Sixth Form Loft. A massive plume of dust filled the room below and as we all jumped down into the disabled toilet, the air was basically opaque.
Every person involved was interviewed and suspended. And every single person named me as the ringleader (fair). My mum was called in and asked if she’d been aware that I was leading a cult. Needless to say, she wasn’t too happy.
- My brother set fire to the house cooking drugs
He’s actually my half brother. And I don’t actually know him really. He moved to California and we haven’t been in contact. But for some reason he added me on Facebook a few years back so while we never speak, I do know a fair bit about him from his FB updates. I can safely say we are very different people. I hadn’t seen anything pop up on my feed from him in a while when I spotted a status with 200+ likes saying that he’d just been released from jail. All the comments said things like “hope you’re ok after the fire” “saw the news articles.” So I Googled his name and it turns out he set fire to his house trying to cook DMT – a man made version of LSD for those who are not familiar. According to the articles, he’d added paint thinner and it had blown up. Now “my brother set fire to the house cooking drugs” is just a good line to say at parties when you want to make things weird (quite often). Apparently he’s reformed his life now and is a personal trainer, so no need for a concern.
- Ricky Gervais instagrammed a picture of my dog
I grew up by Hampstead Heath, near where Ricky Gervais lives. I’d often see him around. I’m very lame so when I first got my dog Brando (then a puppy), I made him an Instagram page. I thought he’d be an internet sensation since he was phenomenally cute. Turns out there quite a few phenomenally cute puppies out there on Instagram, so at a meagre 25 pity follows I’d almost decided to give up on the mission. That was until we were out walking on the Heath and we spotted Ricky. Or rather, he spotted us. He came sprinting over and immediately collapsed to the ground to almost-too-enthusiastically say hello to Brando. He was obsessed. It was actually a little scary. Turns out he’s fanatical about all canine creatures. He took a picture of him and in a moment of sheer desperation, I demanded that he Instagram Brando and tag his Instagram. Bizarrely, he immediately obliged and now Brando has over 1000 followers. Lucky him.
The copy scores 72.4 in the Flesch Reading Ease test