By Ben Golding

Into the Woods

So, in the spirit of doing something I would never normally do, I decided to watch a type of film I would never normally watch.

Now this is the hard bit. I’m quite open when it comes to my film tastes, as a film student I watched most genres from places all over the world. Korean horror? Check. Russian sci-fi? Check. From Italian masterpieces to Japanese b-movies I have seen pretty much all there is to see when it comes to ‘types of movies’. Or at least I thought I had.

I asked my family what I should watch. They also had the same problem, I don’t really mind what it is that I’m sat in front of. I can tell apart the Mean Girls from the Clueless and the Toy Story from the Finding Nemo. In trawling through sky movies listings I was struck with a realisation. Musicals. I rarely watch anything with people singing. Obviously there are exceptions; Sweeney Todd etc. but as a rule I cannot stand a film where people have to sing the plot at me. And so that’s how I sat down to watch ‘Into The Woods’, a film about fairytales and with a zillion celebrity cameos. How appropriate for Christmas.

Here follows a list of all the things I learned whilst watching the 124 minute monstrosity

• I don’t like musicals
• James Cordon has lost some weight
• Little Red Riding hood is annoying
• Grimm tales were (are) DARK
• Johnny Depp will be in anything if he gets to dress up
• Johnny Depp can’t really sing properly
• Physics don’t work inside a Wolves stomach
• Americans can’t do English accents
• This got a 6/10 on IMDB? (I’m on my phone)
• How did it get a 72% on Rotten Tomatoes? (Still on my phone)
• Meryl Streep still looks good
• Emily Blunt is strangely endearing
• Jack loves that cow far too much
• Everyone has such bounding optimism
• When a Witch can do literally anything, it really opens your life potential up
• I could write a Sondheim musical, all you have to do is rhyme every line and then get it wrong on the repeat
• Anna Kendrick doesn’t look as good in a ballgown as you’d think
• Princes are too self-involved to actually be charming
• Someone just decided to scramble everything to finish the plot
• Making a statement about stories within a genre defined by its plot doesn’t always work
• I don’t like musicals

There you go, a bunch of strange thoughts I will be taking into the future. Hopefully someone will grill me one day on it. Good pub quiz fodder i hope.