SCABs

Pushing people away doesn’t make you strong – By @alfsuit

By Alfie  Souter

 

Pushing people away doesn’t make you strong

 

Why are you like this?

How do you answer that question? 

Is the answer the same every day?

 

Maybe there are 10,000 different versions of you. Maybe today you will be the angry one.  Maybe today you’re the unhappy one. Maybe today you just feel alone. I don’t think anyone is consistent every day. But there has to be something that doesn’t change. You can’t lose yourself in how you feel. Sometimes you can simply get swallowed up, by your own emotions. I’m a different person when I’m angry. I’m a different person when I’m sad.  Maybe I am a new person when I’m numb.

 

By closing myself off to things that make you human. I lost my humanity. Being vulnerable makes you human.  By closing myself off to this I lost. I didn’t win. I am pushing people away because I don’t believe. Not just pushing them away but pushing them over. Pushing them so hard that they get angry or they do not want to get up again. I don’t believe they should like me, should fancy me, should want to spend time with me. It feels like a mistake. Another parcel that’s gone to the wrong house. But when you go around and tell them there’s been a mistake they just shake their head and smile.  

What do you do in that situation? 

I personally would be baffled. I would do everything to return the package. I would constantly imply they’ve made a mistake, until they get fed up take the package back and slam the door. But for some reason I’m still upset.

 

I’m still surprised. I kept needing to hear that there wasn’t a mistake. I had to keep reminding them that they can have it back. Until I forget. I forget it wasn’t mine. It was never mine but I forget and soon it’s my prized possession. It’s on the mantelpiece and I take photos of it and show everyone because I’m proud.  But nothing is ever truly yours, not forever anyway. There’s no deed on friendship, no formal agreement where people promise not to leave.  

So why do you expect them not to?  

Why do you think you can do whatever you want?  

Why do you think that’s acceptable? 

And why you still surprised when they do eventually leave?

 

Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am lying to you, to everyone, to myself.  It’s scary leave yourself open to someone. To let them in. That’s when they can hurt you. No one can hurt you behind a wall. But no one can love you either.

 

It takes strength to be loved. To love someone and allow them to love you. Loving someone isn’t about attraction.  You can love a friend more than you can love your lover. Loving someone is being honest. It’s letting them know when your weak.  And them letting you know the same. Its being there with words, with a hug or just being there. Its physically being there when they need you. 

 

Sometimes you need to admit you need people. You need someone to show they care.  Because if they care about you then maybe you can too.

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