By Oliver Finel

What if ducks suddenly vanished from the surface of the Earth?

What if ducks suddenly disappeared?

As I was emptying the contents of my bladder before heading off to plunge
into a long and deep slumber, a most random thought popped into my head:

“What if ducks suddenly disappeared from the surface of the earth?”

As I pondered the question, I realized I have very little to no love for this
particular species of birds. I view them as nothing but mere organic
decorations which spend their lives aimlessly floating around on various water bodies. However, I do have to give credit where it’s due. I am absolutely amazed ducks are able thrive on toxic streams such as the Thames and the the Seine. In that, they are symbol of hope.

I am also grateful to ducks for instilling a rebellious spirit in young children
across the globe. When children throw pieces of bread to flocks of ducks, they simultaneously disrupt the food chain, draw the ire of park rangers, and negatively affect water quality by promoting bacterial growth. If that isn’t a proper introduction to rule-breaking and the butterfly effect, I don’t know what is!

Now, back to our original dilemma: “What if ducks suddenly disappeared from the surface of the earth?”

Surely, it would have adverse effects on the economy and the morale of
people in various parts of the world.

Fois-Gras is a staple of French gastronomy and also happens to be a billion-
dollar industry. Surely, French producers of this delicacy would take a hit.

However, since fois-gras can also be concocted by force-feeding geese,
producers could adapt to this new duck-less reality quite easily. Since
everyone would pretty much agree that geese tend to be rather evil and
aggressive birds, force-feeding them would be appropriate punishment for
their horrendous behavior towards the species at the top of the food-chain.

French people might find it difficult to accept the fact they won’t ever be able to enjoy a delicious ‘canard confit’ or ‘magret de canard’. But whoever is holding on to reserves of frozen duck meat when the Duck-Apocalypse
happens will become instantly rich. I find that to be a quite satisfactory silver lining.

In conclusion, the fois-gras industry will be able to overcome the challenge,
geese will be the big losers in this story, and France’s morale might take a
momentary slump.

Our next problem is China…

The Pecking Duck is one, if the not the most famous meal in Chinese cuisine.

Its thin, crisp-skin is enjoyed by billions year-round. Its history dates back to the year 1206 when the Yuan dynasty was ruling over the Middle Kingdom with an iron fist. In Beijing alone, millions make a living from selling and preparing this delicious meal. Some of the city’s streets are lined with vendors fighting a relentless war against each other over who prepares the best Pecking duck. Last but not least, China also happens to be the world’s largest producer of duck meat by a very large margin.

In this part of the world, the vanishing of ducks would be nothing short of a
gastronomic, economic, and cultural tragedy. However, we should remember that in its long History, China has bounced back from much worse. If the Opium Wars, the Nanjing Massacre, a state-planned economy and the Cultural Revolution ring any bells, we can rest assured China will prevail.

In the United States, members of the Robertson family, stars of the cancelled reality-tv show ‘Duck Dynasty’ would probably fall into an endless pit of despair. The Robertsons entire lives revolve around duck-hunting season… Duck-hunting is surprisingly much larger than the Robertson family. It happens to be a rather important industry in the U.S and Canada. Millions partake in the practice every year and spend large amounts of money on licenses, firearms, and other hunting-specific accessories. The industry would certainly die a
painful death and some may lose their livelihood. It would be tragic and
recovery would be nothing short of a pipe-dream.

From an economic and cultural standpoint, the Duck Apocalypse would most be a most traumatic event.

Let us now consider the environmental impact of the sudden disappearance of ducks.

Through their defecations, ducks are unintentional champions of biodiversity.

When ducks eat seeds and relieve themselves in other areas, they help create healthy environments by developing new plant communities. Without ducks evacuating their bowels all over the wetlands, certain plant populations would be at a much higher risk of extinction.

Finally, it turns out that ducks act as nature’s Brita filters. They keep the waters clean of harmful chemicals and bacterias so that other species can thrive and frolic in peace. How kind!

After this thorough research and extended period of deep-thought on the
status of ducks on Earth, I am now an advocate of their continued existence and an opponent of the sudden mass-extinction of the species. The Earth survived meteors, ice ages, shifts of the magnetic poles, so I’m confident the planet will adapt just fine to the loss of its ducks. However, the species
disappearance into oblivion might just be too much to bear for us humans.