I’ve developed this habit recently where, every Sunday, at 10pm, I tune in to watch “Police in Danger: Caught on Camera.” 

It’s an intriguing name for a reality TV show. Maybe that’s what made me click on it in the first place. Is this a thriller or a porn flick? I thought to myself. Are the police in danger, or have they been caught on camera?

If I’m honest, even once I turned it on I couldn’t tell. The whole show is a debacle. The cameramen wave their equipment around like torches, and our ‘Stars’, the Policemen, appear torn between staying alive on the job and making the most of their ‘big break’.  

A segment usually goes like this; a gaggle of police officers unwittingly stumble into a crime scene that is no doubt beyond their pay grade. They panic, they tear their hair out (the bald ones just rub their head), they realize they have literally been caught by the cameras, and then, all of a sudden, they puff their chests out and dive right in. What follows is a giant orgy of sprawling limbs, like those dust balls you see in Looney Tunes, played to a backing track of The Prodigy.  

In this week’s episode, Sgt Dan Jones gives a particularly transparent performance as squadron leader when his team raids a drug dealer’s flat in London. He ends up getting stabbed in the leg by, of all things, a samurai sword. Now this is good TV. I remember perking up. A Samurai sword! These bad guys have taste. 

I would have felt bad for the guy if I he hadn’t delivered such a soppy motivational speech five minutes prior. It was like a cheap version of Gerard Butler in “300.” A word of advice to Sgt. Jones if he ever makes it out of hospital. Never break the fourth wall. 

While the life fades from his eyes, I yawn, and his supporting officers remain disappointingly calm in what is perhaps the most English display of anything, ever.

 “Please could you pass the bandage. Oh no don’t rush, he’s just losing gallons of blood.” 

This is the only part that even partially stresses me out. What is wrong with these people? Forget that you’re on TV, the man has a sword in his leg! 

It always ends when an officer finally pulls out a taser and zaps the living hell out of some poor bastard. These criminals, once hardened men, are reduced to mere children as they jitter about on the floor, defecating in their pants and dribbling from their mouths on national TV. This is a harsh sentence, no matter who the criminal. 

With one body off to hospital and another to jail, the episode’s quota is filled and we can finally wrap up with the moment this audience was being groomed for the whole time. Police Constable Joe Bloggs slams the offender into the back seat of his squad car, whips off his helmet and turns to the camera, this time addressing us with our permission. His eyes say “I am looking for representation,” but with his voice he warns us. “The police are out there. Watching. Waiting…” 

… Until next week. At 10pm.