By Helena Pelsmaekers

The comedian in front of an empty room

I finally became honest with myself about the cause of my procrastination. Spoiler: it's not time management (what I kept telling myself), it's self hatred. Or maybe it's both. On the one hand we have to read the books, which I keep postponing because of time shortage (with work). On the other hand we have the passion project where I worked out an idea, from concept to design. I was all set, but I hated it. The longer I worked on it, the more I began to detest it. I procrastinated just because of the resentment and because I couldn't see myself doing the project anymore. And at one point I just had to decide whether or not to keep going: hoping that eventually I would be proud of it, or start all over again with another idea I liked and ending up in the same vicious spiral of self hatred. It seems like I initially like an idea, but it loses its magic in my eyes and I lose sight of judgement whether it's still a good idea or not. And so I changed the concept of my passion project. And at that moment I didn't have a lot of time left to become insecure about my new project so I forced myself to stuck with it, but I also really enjoyed doing it. And I am glad I followed my gut. (For now at least, I will still be keeping my eyes shut when they show it on the first days). The passion project is not the first self hate problem I came across while preparing for SCA. When I read the instructions on how to hand in our scholarship entry, I freaked out. I have to post it on Twitter for everyone to see it?? Can't I just email it? So I waited until 15 minutes before deadline in the hope that by then no one would be scrolling through that hashtag anymore. I even used an account I once made for a schoolproject to post it. I know, it's really bad. I think that's also the reason I ended up top 5 but not winning a scholarship. I didn't share my work with the world. Even friends still don't have a clue about what I eventually did.

This is my habit I really have to keep working on. I like to compare it to a comedian in front of an empty room. I like keeping ideas to myself, afraid of showing bad stuff and making a fool of myself for even thinking there is a small part that could be good.But the fact that they focus on failing at SCA helps me ease my mind. I'm allowed to make mistakes. And to end this in a cheesy way, the biggest enemy you can have really is yourself.