The Great British Trait(ors) Off

In a crossover nobody anticipated nor requested, BBC’s The Traitors and Channel 4’s The Great British Bake Off joined forces to develop a star-studded 2023 edition of the much-loved, paranoia-based game show.

What began as a light-hearted charity edition quickly soured after several contestants objected to donating their winnings. Additionally and somewhat strangely, there was also a request from several of the more senior players that the prize money be paid entirely in cash. Suspicious, but sensing good television, production obliged.

However, following Ofcom intervention, the series ultimately never aired.

What you are about to read has, until now, remained unseen.

Mary Berry was amassing suspicion by the minute.
The wrinkled, ‘I’m in my dotage’ shtick was diminishing in potency and now Hollywood had been snuffed out; she was most certainly next on the chopping block.
But fade into the light resistance free,
Mez Bez would not.  

She whacked the hearing aids up full pelt and stalked the castle, her slippers squeaking faintly on the wintered flagstones.
Sifting through the chatter, the ageing cakestress caught ear of Deadly 60’s Steve Backshall dubbing some of her earlier actions ‘traitorish’.

Berry beelined for the sitting room.

Biding her time, she chalked a snooker cue and dispatched a tidy century break,
then, with safety in mind, expertly tucked the white ball behind the green, leaving nothing on.
‘Bosh,’ she mouthed, before ambling over to the conspirators.

M: Steve lovey, would you mind helping me in the kitchen? I thought a Victoria Sponge might help to raise spirits.

S: Of course Mary, I’ll just be a second

M: I meant now Steve… Now. Sorry to push love, it’s just I don't want the batter setting.

The corner of her mouth twitched.

S: Oh…Ok.

Both now in the kitchen, Berry kicked the door closed and reached into her breast pocket, producing a deck of Winston Reds. She slid one mouthwards and sparked a shimmering Zippo.

S: I don’t think we’re supposed to smoke inside Mar-

M: No one likes a grass Steve.

Berry lifted the folds of her cardigan, gradually exposing the revolver nestled in her waistband.

M: No one.

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