This is not a sad SCAB

By @ftabastot

Christmas is a nightmare. Tasteless. Even chocolate.

I fake a smile for my family but I am as dead inside as the turkey on the table.

It’s been one year.

Facing my doctor, crying.

"Why do you cry?

- I don't know."

Serotonin. The molecules of happiness.

My body kills them all apparently. That's why. It's only chemistry.

I feel a like a junky every time I take my medication.

But there is a bit of light coming back inside me and I don't want it to fade away.

Weeks go by.

I have such a stressful job. I love it. It keeps my mind busy.

Going out again. How could I have been seriously ignoring wine for so long?

I am not crying everyday anymore.

The future is still scary but I have to face reality and take some decisions. So I call Marc even if I am afraid of the answer.

I am singing in the shower again.

Work becomes my life. My life becomes work.

Money. Money. Money.

I don't sing in the shower anymore.

I really need some change. Go somewhere as far away and as soon as possible.

Georgia's country. Breathless landscapes and 3 times more sheep than people. It sounds like a dream.

Fuck everyone. I'll send you a postcard.

Learning how to drive on the left side. Fishing my dinner. Surviving with no microwave and no internet. Jumping from a plane, climbing a mountain, pushing my limits. Living everyday as a new experience.Feeling as cool as Bear Grylls.Finding beauty in everything.

I was scared to go back to a normal life. What if reality was tasteless again?

Turns out it went well, better than well. I met amazing people, I share with them, I get better. Most of all I'm opening myself up a bit more everyday.

It's been one year.

Probably the most difficult and yet the most beautiful year of my life.

I have learned so much.

I am still singing in the shower.

I still have dark days.

But the only thing I am scared of now when I wake up is having to dance at Town hall.